Evol sure sounds a lot like “evil,” right?
Not even a month ago I put a slice of pizza in my mouth that my body wanted to reject. I gave it a 1, because I wanted to leave room for there to be a worse pizza. I have found it. Check out that little blurb above the pizza slice on the box: “crust made from chicken & parmesan cheese.” Let that sink in a bit. If you had to make a substitute for bread, would you use ground cheese and meat? Actually, maybe. But not like this. This was…something else. I didn’t even SEE that until I was already cooking the pizza, after turning off my smoke alarm because the entire thing had melted down into a single flat layer of grease and floating pepperonis. So if someone were to try to make a crust out of cheese and chicken, you think they’d like…cook it…right? Burn it, even. Make it crispy, if something’s going to sit atop it. Well no, not Evol. They prefer to make a pizza by simply putting pepperoni on top of a sauce sandwich with cheese for bread. Even this grievous misunderstanding of how food science works could be forgiven if the cheese itself did not taste like a bunch of wet pencil erasers were melted down on a bed of old vinegar. The second I bit into this my body finally rejected its very first pizza. I gagged. I spit it back out onto the plate, and shoveled its dark leavings into the trash. I spent a good 20 minutes even cleaning the oven of its disastrous molten overflow. This pizza is not easy to find, and I TRULY believe it deserves to not be produced anymore, ever. It is now my mission in life to destroy all traces of this Gowanus Canal black mayonnaise.
Cons:
Like approaching the elephant’s foot of Chernobyl, this pizza will kill you within 72 hours. (-10 points!)
