My name is Michael and I’m a dumb, fat idiot who thought this would be a good way to blow a hundred dollars.

Since staying at home and eating frozen pizza is now a law (thanks, Obama), I decided to cash in and get some hero treatment. Some ground rules:

1. I like pepperoni. And since most frozen pizza manufacturers offer that, I figured it’d be a good constant through this experiment.

2. I like lots of cheese and thin crust (for frozen pizzas). I kind of assume that pizza crust don’t freeze and reheat well, which is why they mostly taste like shit to me. If there’s going to be a nasty crust, may as well make it thin enough to not notice.

3. All pizzas start off at 10 points and go down from there. Pizza is power.

4. I usually wait 24 hours before posting to make sure the pizza doesn’t make me sick. You’re welcome.

5. I live in Minneapolis, so most of the pizzas I review will be the things I can find on shelves here.

6. No one’s reading this. Come on now. I’m not even proofreading at this point.

7. https://onlyfans.com/frozenpizzaratings

8. Fuck Donald Trump.