Four Brothers, starring Mozzarella Wahlberg
You’d think Coborn’s home brand (based on their own family history) would put more effort into uhhhh pictures of the food they are selling. Is Coborn’s a Minnesota brand? Google says yes, a St. Cloud company. How unfortunate. I guess that’s why all their pizzas have these dumb midwestern expressions instead of names. I don’t want to eat the “you betcha” I want to eat the “pepperoni and sausage.” This is actually a huge annoyance I have when I’m trying new restaurants or cuisines for the first time. I want to know everything that’s in it, not just for the sake of allergies, but because I want to know if you are about to serve me orange juice and toothpaste. I don’t want to sit down in a restaurant and order the “poppin’ fresh sticks” without knowing just what the fuck that is. Now that my sauce pressure is up (get it? because I don’t have blood anymore) I can rip this asshole to shreds. This pizza wasn’t inherently bad, but it was the most bland, flavorless, forgettable pizza I’ve eaten in a while. I literally forgot I was eating it and didn’t even finish it.
Pros:
It looks good, so you can gaslight someone into thinking they’re eating a better pizza.
Cons:
Toppings were bland. (-1 point)
Cheese was low quality, and there wasn’t enough of it. (-2 points)
I don’t even remember the sauce. (-1 point)
Crust was too thick. (-1 point)
