What would a rational human being expect from pizza that is sold in bag form? Why would a frozen pizza be sticky? Would anyone expect quality from something that costs 3 dollars? What did Totino’s think was going to happen when they made this? I can only answer some of these questions. What I do know is that this pizza is typically hidden in the pizza roll section, and it did not even dawn on me that it was being sold (LEGALLY!) as pizza until it was brought to my attention by a friend. That same friend explained that this was the begrudging go-to for drunken nights in the “country” city of Northfield, MN. This rating is for you, Carleton College and Northfield Community College students: this is fucking gross, what the fuck are you doing? Eat grass off a lawn, or a hot dog that fell on the floor of a gas station bathroom. Both are arguably better for you. This pizza tastes like an unwrapped pizza roll. If you’re unfamiliar with the taste of a pizza roll, welcome to human life in America! Clearly you are new here, and you should probably go try some pizza rolls. The crust is like some kind of wet tortilla chip that the unwrapped pizza roll sits atop, and the whole composition just screams “this product was made for discerning adults that want to make a fancy dinner to accompany their mountain dew: code red.” I almost don’t want to give this an actual rating, just because it’s basically a worse pizza roll. Pizza rolls have their role in our society, and I do not want to impose my beliefs upon that. Unfortunately, my journalistic integrity forces my hand.

Pros:

• If I described a food as an unwrapped pizza roll and you still expect me to find nice things to say about it, you are in the wrong place.

Cons:

• IT IS AN UNWRAPPED PIZZA ROLL. (-5 points)

5/10